Letter 99

21 June 2016

Dear C,

I wish you could hold me so tight and long that I would finally stop feeling lonely. I know your hug could stitch the broken pieces of my heart back again. At least most of them.

But I also know that it is impossible for me to just disappear in your arms and be whole again. I'm here now and I know you would never come to visit me. Even though, each Friday afternoon I run downstairs with a fast-beating heart to check the visitor's list, hoping my name is on it and that it's you who's coming to see me. But my name is never there. Neither is yours.

Anyways. Yesterday someone asked me if I wanted to buy a t-shirt from him. And by buying it, I mean I'd have to buy something for him from the canteen list. I think he wants some cigarettes. I don't have much money, as I am currently saving up for some new paint brushes and this t-shirt costs £4. That's a lot. But you know what, I only wanted to tell you this because I can fit in the size M now! At first, I looked at this t-shirt thinking, no it's too small. But it isn't! Who would have thought baby?

Last night I dreamt of being at the beach again. I dipped my feet in the water and it felt so beautiful. Then I run deeper and started to swim. It felt heavenly. It felt so good. Just the water covering my body felt like all my pain was slowly washed away.

Above my head, I could see the sky changing its colours - like the days and nights were moving fast forward. Like I was in the water for days or months. Or maybe even years. And I didn't feel tired at all - just happy. Pure bliss. When I woke up I burst into tears. I don't know why. I thought I was getting better at pretending I was doing ok...

Yesterday I started working on a new painting. It's a face, wearing some mask. I wasn't sure what it should look like, I just enjoyed making splashes and adding new colours - so they could bleed into each other.

My watercolour brushes are so damaged now that it was quite difficult to get certain shapes right, but I kept fighting! You know C, I really wish I could continue painting when I'm free again. And I do wish people would appreciate this, so I could pay my bills by doing what I love doing. When I paint I feel safe.

I received some emails from Agnes - she was telling me all about her cruise holiday that she spent with her boyfriend. So lovely! I am really pleased she is enjoying her life now and she is happy with Sipi. I cannot wish both of them more love and happiness. I wonder if I ever get to see Agnes again.

I spoke to Andy yesterday and he is seriously planning to visit me in Poland one day, once all this nightmare is over. It would be wonderful. I don't know anybody in Poland anymore after all. It's been over 17 years since I left... Would you ever come to visit me there...?

So we could make up for all the lost time... and then I could disappear in your hugs again.

Forever yours,

Sebastian