Letter 98

16 June 2016

Dear C,

I can't believe it's been over a year now since you got diagnosed with that fucking cancer! It was exactly on the 2nd of June last year...

Till this day I often cannot believe this has happened. Is it just some kind of nightmare? Am I going to wake up next to you in a moment and tell you what a terrible dream I just had...?

Ok, some new guy on my corridor has just started throwing his chair against the metal door in his cell. That is a clear indication that it is not a dream that I am in. It is a nightmare for sure and it's very real. The noise that guy is making is incredible. Now other people started to shout and play loud music in their cells. I'm gonna go insane. I can't bear this any more. Please come here and take me home...

Ok, I'm back.

I had to stop writing, I couldn't stand this noise and all of these people shouting everywhere. I had to cover my head with a towel and I pressed my hands to my ears hard to block that noise. It must have lasted for over an hour. It's after midnight now and it's quiet. I can talk to you again.

I don't even know why am I explaining myself to you C... You'll never gonna read any of these letters after all...

Anyway.

The weather is really nice these days. I got a bit of sunshine yesterday.

In the gym, they gave me some ice to put on my knee. I suffered a lot during the weight loss programme as it involved a lot of jumping. I powered through it, but towards the end, I could barely stand. I got officially banned from coming to the gym tomorrow morning, but that's ok - I am seeing the UK immigration people in the morning anyway. I only hope my knee will get better by Wednesday so I can carry on with my exercises.

You know hun, I was very touched that the guy staff looked after me here by giving me ice. I am so not used to being looked after by anyone anymore so this meant a lot. Plus I took some of the ice cubes they gave me and I had it with some tap water in my cell.

What a pleasure it was! I forgot how enjoyable the iced drink can be. You know, just hearing the sounds of the ice cubes in my glass made me feel like a human again. I know it might sound so silly to you, but here the reality is bent. And I always grasp for some of emotional freedom and peace everywhere I can. I'm not sure if you can understand me, you'll probably think I'm talking some total bullshit here...

Our wing barber annoyed me a few days ago. You know he is charging a can of tune for a haircut? That means I have to spend £1 on it!

It's a lot of money here! And what is so annoying that this is his job! But he claims he can do a prison haircut for free (basically shaving almost all off), but the fancy haircut costs money. He is just trying to cash in on others. I don't like this. On top, he thinks he is the most handsome and hot guy in the universe. Well, let me tell you - he ain't! He is very, very short. And that's to start with. He comes from Ecuador, so obviously he has his Latino face features, but he isn't that handsome at all. And him bragging about it is so off-putting. It's almost tiring.

I asked one of the officers if it is legal to be charged extra money for a haircut and he said that absolutely not. Whoever charges extra money for something he is already being paid for can result in disciplinary action. Or being nicked - as everyone is saying. I do feel a bit guilty that I might have snitched that barber and he could be in trouble, but at the end of the day, it is my money he is stealing. And I have no money at all, I am trying to save as much as I can on a new paintbrush!

I was watching some Big Bang Theory earlier today and there was a scene, where Sheldon refused to carry a TV with Leonard... It reminded me of us carrying that big ass giant TV we bought from Argos. How excited and happy we were! On the way back home we bought the entire series of Lost on blu ray discs.

Just thinking about it makes my heart fills with endless love for you. We took some time off from work together and spent the entire week watching Lost. It was so much fun. We got really into it. I miss this. I miss you. I miss us.

I'll wrap up here. I wanna fall asleep with that overwhelming feeling of love I have for you in my heart. Goodnight my love.

Forever yours,

Sebastian