Letter 97

13 June 2016

Dear C,

I often get sad seeing all the other prisoners getting visits from their loved ones over the weekends. I mean, I am happy that they get to see their loved ones of course. I just only wish I could see my loved ones too sometimes. All I got left is to visualize that you are coming here to see me. And as I'm walking into the visiting hall - you are waiting for me and you're smiling.

However, more and more these days I come to terms that you will never want to see me again. Sometimes it hurts so bad and sometimes I just feel nothing at all.

Last night my gums bled again. It's in the same spot - right above my front teeth. There's like a little lump there and it bleeds occasionally.

I am sure it appeared a few days after those guys had been beating me up in the previous prison. As a result of this, I lost my other teeth too, but it seems like the gums in that area don't hurt anymore.

I also realized that I may have a permanent scar on my right foot now - just right next to my toes. I am pretty sure it is from that other Pakistanian guy who was smashing my foot with his boot to the point where there was a hole in my skin for a few weeks.

It hurt like hell before, but now there's only a lump left. It looks a bit red, but it doesn't hurt much. Only sometimes - when I jog.

Talking about jogging... You should be proud of me baby! I run 16km yesterday!!! Can you only imagine? First, in the morning, I run 24 laps without stopping (my previous record was 16 laps) and then I run another 20 laps in the afternoon. 44 laps in a day!!! I so wished you were there to see me. I so wished you told me you were proud of me...

Anyway, I was really, really tired. My right knee hurt bad so I took it easy today. I only had a weights session in the afternoon. I hope my knee will get better by tomorrow as I have another cardio session in the morning and the spinning classes in the afternoon.

I had a nice chat with John today. We do have a lot in common. He is going through a heartbreak too - his girlfriend left him the moment he got here. It's so hard for him and I truly feel sorry for his circumstances. I know that no matter how much I can try to cheer him up - in the evening he will be all alone in his tiny cell and there will be nothing there but grief and hurt.

You have no idea how much I miss you... I never ever knew I was capable of missing someone so bad. No words can describe it. I can't even put it here in writing. All of this is written on the broken walls of my heart and only my heart can tell.

Ok, I don't want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself here.

How is the most handsome boy in the whole universe doing?

I hope you are getting better and stronger each and every day? How's mum and your sister?

You know I still believe that the deal I had with God (back then in that courtroom) is still on: I get locked up here, but you get saved. And I don't even know if God exists, but if he does - everything will be alright my baby.

I'll stop right here C. I will write soon. I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian