Letter 96

10 June 2016

Dear C,

I have been doing some serious jogging lately. I never thought I could get addicted to it. I mean it's like being addicted to pain! I am not a pretty jogger, I can feel every bone in my body and every muscle too. And it does hurt most of the time - especially the next day. But I keep doing it. Maybe it's because I have been addicted to endorphins? Probably it's the best drug you can be addicted to in a place like this.

I have been running a lot with DJ and Andy too. They are both a great companion. Andy and I developed some kind of secret language that only we can understand - especially when taking the piss out of DJ - not in a mean way of course. But quite often I can only look at Andy and we both know what's going on.

Anyways, the jogging with them two is fun for sure. DJ takes it very seriously and he likes to be the one in charge, giving us all possible instructions. Andy and I don't take it too seriously, although I truly appreciate DJ's commitment. After all, if it wasn't for him - I would have never started jogging in the first place. I shall always be grateful to him for this.

We all have tried to persuade Steve to join us, but he isn't much of a jogging fan. Well, to say it as it is - he is one lazy fat boy! And I know I shouldn't be saying things like that, but what annoys me the most is that he always says he will jog with us and the next day he is nowhere to be found.

I was glad to see John feeling better today. He goes through his waves of some kind of peace and then a total depression. Just like me, hence I understand him perfectly.

I spoke to Jermaine too lately. He has been telling me about his future plans to open up a worldwide business that deals with all creative things. Sounds wonderful. I hope all the stars will align for him perfectly and he will achieve his goals. He even mentioned that he had a vision of me being a part of this future business of his. Funny this.

He will be deported to Jamaica and I will be in Poland and we will never meet for sure, nor will we ever speak again after we leave this place. That's the reality here. People say a lot of things - which they even themselves don't believe in. But if destiny brings us together one day - I shall gladly shake his hand and enjoy the time together.

Jermaine continues to talk about God a lot. And I think I like the way he is trying to approach me with the subject. He is not forceful, he seems to be patient with me. Not sure why though - I don't think God likes me at all. If he only exists anyway. But there is something about the way I connect intellectually with Jermaine that makes me listen to his endless talks about Mr God.

Yesterday, quite a few new prisoners arrived here. Mostly some young, gangster looking guys - you know - those types, that feel very mighty in the company of the likeminded individuals. Once challenged - when there is no one around - they deflate like a balloon. I met many here already. It's kinda funny and sad at the same time.

Last night I had a weird dream again. I felt like I was floating in the air, but suddenly I saw the galaxies around me, all filled with stars and planets. The colours were mesmerizing. I felt no fear of heights although I knew I was in the air.

As I was watching the universe around me, I looked at my hands and saw that they were covered with multicoloured paints. And the paints were moving on my skin. I didn't know what to look at - the beauty of cosmic worlds or my own hands covered with paints. Then I woke up.

Do my dreams mean anything at all? Or are they just a random collection of the things that my brain has been projecting and gathering through the years? And in the end, they mean nothing at all...?

I remember how you used to have dreams at night and you twisted and turned in our bed. I was looking at you, wondering what was going on in your head... I was hoping, that there was nothing negative there and if there was - I wanted it to stop immediately. I always used to grab you into my arms - so you could feel you were safe - regardless of what you were dreaming about.

I hope that these days you dream of good things only C. And I hope there is someone out there, who can hold you in his arms when you twist and turn at night. And as painful as these words are to me - I want nothing more but your happiness...

Even though I know that you find your happiness without me.

Forever yours,

Sebastian