Letter 94

2 June 2016

Dear C,

I don't know why I read your email last night...Even though you sent it to me many months ago I still kept it under my bed. It's heartbreaking, how low you can think of me these days... Like I am just some dirt under your shoes.

When I read it the first time back then, I felt like you took a part of me and I'll never get it back. To you, I am just another mistake, but the truth is that I'm not ready to be another one of your mistakes. I don't know what to do to bring things the way they used to be. I just don't know...

Ok, let me change the subject. I don't want to dwell on this here and now, I had enough of this last night.

The weather is so lovely here. Last weekend it felt really hot. I got to spend a few hours in the yard outside. It seemed like everyone got out and enjoyed the sun. The whole exercise yard was packed with people. I managed to find a relatively quiet spot - I sat on the pavement next to building number 7. However, later on, some older guys sat on the bench nearby and started to laugh really loudly. And you know what? It wasn't the worst part of it.

One of them kept bragging on how many children he abused in his life and how much he enjoyed it. His companions were impressed and joined in praising his actions. It was too much for me to bear. I had to get up and started to walk around the yard, trying to erase what I just heard. I didn't want to even comprehend what these people were. Luckily, Steve and Andy joined me and my thoughts got distracted. Andy is such a funny guy. I wonder if we ever really get to meet once we are both free. I suppose not, but time will tell. Andy is missing his two sons a lot and I really feel for him. He will be out within the next 7 months, so he should be reunited with his loved ones soon.

Last night I decided to open the bible and read it again. I failed big time. I don't really understand how people can believe in all that nonsense written there. I mean come on! Use some logic people!

It's amazing though, how many of them fell into this trap called religion. I find it almost fascinating. Anyway, I read some parts of the last chapter called The Revelation of John and it's like a sci-fi movie with the elements of horror. I wonder how much weed John must have smoked as he was writing all that crap...!

If God truly exists he is having the best laugh seeing us all here on this tiny, little planet. The rotten planet it is. And if one day our planet disappeared - the universe wouldn't even notice it. So would God.

I had another conversation with this Jamaican guy Jermaine. We talked about life in general and he kept calling me a "light carrier". Weird. I am not any light carrier. But he keeps telling me that I will see it one day. Normally I wouldn't waste my time on someone like him, telling me all this hocus-pocus stuff, but I enjoy having conversations with him. There is something about him I feel connected to. At this moment I cannot say what that is. I might never will.

I visited John in his cell a few days ago. I could see he wasn't doing too well recently. He is missing his little daughter and his partner Martha. I tried to comfort him as much as I could, but I am not really in any position or state of mind to be comforting anyone. He often asks me how am I coping with the break up with you and I always tell him the same thing - I don't cope at all. But it is nice of him to show his interest and care. I don't know if I ever told you before, but John's paintings of motorcycles are out of this world...! They look like photographs. Incredible. I often look back at my paintings, thinking: "I'm good for nothing". Especially after seeing what John can do with his paintings. I don't think I will ever learn to like my own artwork.

Talking about the artwork, I just finished a little acrylic painting. It's a darker version of my earlier one - an eagle with colourful wings. First one was done with watercolours on a white background, this one is painted with acrylics on a blackboard.

It looks alright, nothing special. Ryan loved it though and wanted to trade it for a 2L bottle of some fizzy drink - which I must say was a tempting offer - especially during this hot weather. I said no though. Don't know why.

I was thinking of Lisa yesterday and I realised that she would never come to visit me here. She was just good at talking how much she was missing me and all this bullshit. I guess you get to know your true friends when you end up sitting in a dark room totally on your own. Let it be.

Ok, I will finish here. I don't want to go to bed feeling any grudges against this woman.

I hope you're doing ok my love? I hope you're looking after yourself out there? I know nothing about your life or the state of your health anymore, I can only hope that you are fine...

Forever yours,

Sebastian