Letter 93

29 May 2016

Dear C,

Today I was able to experience a little bit of self-love. And it was all down to 3 guys who came to see me in my cell.

First came Rob to say hello. He is an intelligent person - I can tell by the way he speaks, responds and listens. He lives on the other landing - opposite to mine but often comes to visit someone here named Trev. This time he came to see me. At first, I was surprised to see him, but eventually, the conversation we had turned out to be nice and uplifting.

He told me about his past and how he got to prison because of his girlfriend. He was going through a heartbreak, but he is in the healing process now. I told him about us too and he advised me to forget about you. Actually no, he told me to forget about you. He strongly told me to move on. All great but how the fuck am I supposed to do that?

Then came Andy and joined in the conversation. He told me that I am a good looking guy with a great personality. Then came Steve and started to preach to me too. He said I would find someone sooner than I think - when I'm out from here. He said that it was your loss letting me go.

Ok, can someone print me a manual on how to move on, please?

But I must admit - Rob, Andy and Steve made me feel a little bit better about myself. Even though I know it won't last long, but it felt good for a bit. Maybe there is some hope left for me...

Anyway, there was another fight on my landing today. Two guys started arguing and the fists were flying. The blood was on the walls and the floor. Not a nice view for sure.

This guy called Simon is the one who started it. He is one of the most aggressive guys I have met in this prison. He looks like a proper criminal (sorry I know I shouldn't be judging by the looks, but I just did). He tried his "luck" on me too. He pushed me from the stairs once, but he received a zero reaction from me. I could tell that it pissed him off even more.

The other day he tried to insult me and I told him I wasn't even listening. He left me alone then. Let's see for how long?

You know C, some of the guards started to call me "slim" now. They keep praising me for losing so much weight and how I still carry on with my exercises and all that. Even this very grumpy female guard named Dove said, that my mother wouldn't recognise me once she comes for a visit. That was really nice of her, even though I know my mum will never come here again.

Let me tell you something funny now. There is this guy on my landing called Ryan. He is really tiny, looks like a 12-year-old boy. He weighs only 56 kg! And that's the weight I want to lose in total - before I leave prison. How funny! I should "lose Ryan" when it comes to my weight. Perhaps I shall write a little guide called "How To Lose Ryan in 365 days"?

I will wrap up here. I'd like to fall asleep with this positive feeling inside - of me having some kind of self-love... Until it's gone again.

Missing you much. But that's nothing new.

Forever yours,

Sebastian