Letter 92

22 May 2016

Dear C,

I spent some time on the exercise yard today. I was admiring the sky and at the same time, I was trying to embrace the current circumstances in my life. I wasn't trying to feel sorry for myself at all, I was just trying to make any sense out of everything, but I failed. Every day I walk, I smile sometimes, I talk to people, but inside I feel like everything is falling apart.

Seasons of my life have been passing in front of my eyes all day long today. I laid down on the warm grass outside of building number 7 and luckily enough, I was able to be left alone with no one bothering me too much. I kind of mastered the ability to cut the noise off and jump into this glass box of my own tranquillity.

You have no idea how much I miss having music in my ears though. I was considering buying cheap headphones through one of the catalogues here, but I realized I cannot afford this. Plus I could only use them with a disc man, but I can't afford this either.

One day I will walk on this planet as a free man again and then I will listen to my music. One day.

You know C, I cannot shake off the image of this guy from my dream I had the other night. The one you said was your new boyfriend. It's silly I know - it was just a dream - but it felt so real. And it still does.

In a place like this everything seems to be so magnified - fears, doubts, demons and angels. But mostly the demons and fears. You see, I was getting used to the fact that I was someone you loved and now I have to pretend like it never happened. I am trying hard to replace the part of me that you took away with you when you left me. I fail miserably at this.

Anyway, today I experienced something I nearly forgot it existed. A taste of the soup. They made us some vegetable cream soup and served it for lunch. I mean come on! How trivial this might sound to you, but for me - it was something extraordinary.

The taste of this soup was like heaven. And believe me, it was NOT a 5-star restaurant taste, but today it felt like it. I cherished every single sip I took.

It also reminded me of that Asian soup I used to make for dinner for us. Like a broth with lots of different types of meat, veggies and coconut milk.

You loved it so much and always had a few servings in a row. It still fills my heart with joy when I think about it.

I wasn't jogging today. I was supposed to, but I just needed to take a day off. I think my body told me: "lay your ass down on the grass and chill"! I listened.

Yesterday I spoke to this Jamaican guy and I learnt that we shared the same passion for music. I mean he has no clue of the music I listen to. I wanted to tell him about Depeche Mode for example, but I gave up. He wouldn't understand I'm sure. He loves the current hip-hop stuff so bringing my music to the table makes very little sense. Or maybe it's just my assumption and he is more open to a different type of music. I don't know.

Last night I opened the bible that I have in my cell. I tried to read the first chapter about the creation of the world. As great as it sounds - what a pile of rubbish.

Who even wrote this? Apparently God inspired people to write the bible. Well, he should be ashamed of his "perfect" creation. Just look around! This world is rotten. I am not really sure how people can get so fascinated by this book. I'll never understand it anyway.

I tried to paint something last night too, but it ended up in the bin. I just wasted my acrylic paints. And paper. I was really disappointed. I can't afford to waste any art materials! I wonder how great it must be to just walk to an art supplies shop and just buy stuff. I also wonder how wonderful it must be to be able to create art on a bigger scale for example. You know - a large canvas, lots of paint etc. And a comfortable place to be creative.

You know I have noticed lately that my sight is declining. I used to be able to read anything that was close to my face and yesterday I realized I had to hold the bible away from my eyes to see the words properly. I think it might be down to the fact that I often paint with very limited light above my head. Each time I finish a painting my eyes hurt. Imagine if I went blind the moment I discovered my love for painting. Wouldn't it be just so typical for the "creator" of this "beautiful world" to make me blind now?

I suppose I should just end this letter here, I can sense how the bitterness is consuming me. And I'm not sure I like it at all.

Goodnight.

I miss you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian