Letter 91

18 May 2016

Dear C,

98 kg! This is my current weight. I cannot believe that I hit two digits now! I am so happy about this. I have lost almost 40 kg since I have been to prison. Still, 20 to go - if I can commit to it - the way I have been so far.

I am so glad that all of my hard work has finally paid off. The other day Andy asked me, whether I was losing all this weight for myself or for you... I said it was all for you because I was hoping that once you see me again - you may be proud of me. Now I am fully aware that you don't care if I am still alive.

Today I put on a top, that my mum sent me last December. There was no way I could zip it up before and now it fits perfectly. So many people have told me that I look great and that I have lost so much weight. I appreciate all of this, but there is only one person missing here, telling me all this - you.

Talking about weight - how is yours? Did you put on some or lost some? Regardless - you always looked perfect. I loved your little cute belly - remember how I used to fall asleep the moment I put my head on it at night? It was so comfortable.

Last night I had two very surreal dreams.

First one was about me queuing up in McDonald's at the Waterloo Station (the one we always bought burgers coming back from the gigs at the O2 Arena). Anyway, as I approached the guy at the counter, I asked for 2 big macs and he said to me that they run out of beef! Can you imagine? No beef at McDonald's! I guess that was a clear sign that I shouldn't be eating this junk anymore.

My second dream was about having my iPhone back. I was a free man again and I logged back into my Facebook account. When I opened it I got a message from you telling me to open the link you sent me. When I did that, loads of pictures appeared on my phone. They were taken in some apartment I never knew before, but deep inside of me I gathered it was your new place.

As I was scrolling through all these photos I recognized many decorations that we used to have in our previous flat in Wandsworth. I was actually quite happy that you utilized them and that you displayed them around your new apartment. I remember that most of your walls were covered with red and brown bricks and I loved that. I have always dreamt of having such walls in my place too.

Then I saw photos from your bedroom and on one of them, there was a guy sitting on this big bed. Underneath this photograph, you wrote that it was your new boyfriend. His name was Carlos and he was from Spain.

I could actually see all of his face features properly - almost like I was watching a 3D movie. The shiver went down my spine and then I woke up.

You can only imagine how confused and heartbroken I was... My first reaction was: "thank God it was just a dream". It took me over an hour to fall back to sleep again - it was around 3 in the morning.

When I woke up at 6.30 again I was extremely upset. Upset, but at the same time, I was trying so hard to convince myself that I have to come to terms, that one day you will find yourself someone new and that it might have already happened.

It's not easy. It's not. But I have to let you go and let you be happy with someone else, even though it's killing my heart. Letting you go is the hardest part of my existence. But I cannot be selfish. I want you to be happy C. And this is the reason why I stopped calling you on the phone or writing to you - as you requested - so you could move on from me. You'll never know how much it hurts me, but that's ok. It's better that you don't know.

It is now 1.30 pm and all the afternoon activities have been cancelled - due to staff exercises. They do that once a month I think. After writing this letter to you, I'd like to paint something. Not sure what it would be yet, but I feel it in my blood I should paint something new.

I got an email from Agnes yesterday - I was worried that she might have forgotten about me - it's her first email in about 3 months. Anyway, she is going on a cruise holiday with her boyfriend. How wonderful? That's a good life. I am really pleased she is doing so well. I miss her. She promised me she would write more about the cruise and all that. I cannot wait!

Ok, hun, I'll wrap up here. I hope you are safe and good. I am missing you so much.

Forever yours,

Sebastian