Letter 90

16 May 2016

Dear C,

I spoke to my mum today and I don't think she will be coming to visit me here this summer. I told her that she doesn't have to - although I'd really like her to come. I can't really force her and I am sure she would be stressed planning to come over here (flights, accommodation etc). That also comes with spending money, so I told her that it was ok, if she wouldn't come...

I lost one of my back teeth last night. It was so painful! You know, when I was beaten up in my previous prison, the guy who was jumping on my face with his boots on, has properly damaged my teeth. Part of my front tooth became really loose and the ones at the back kept moving and hurting at the same time. Sometimes it hurts so bad that even my arm radiates with the pain coming from my teeth! Gym and jogging helped me a lot to minimise this pain and think of it less. I realized, that if I injected pain into my muscles by exercising I would be less focused on my toothaches.

However last night I couldn't help it and pulled that tooth out. I didn't scream when I did that, but a tear fell from my eye from pain. I bled a lot too. The left part of my face is swollen up now, but at least this tooth is gone. Hopefully, I will not have to lose any more teeth in the future, because of that whole beating up before.

I didn't tell anybody about this. First of all, it's rather embarrassing, secondly, I don't really want to elaborate on those times when I was a victim to prison violence before. I am trying so hard to just live each day here as it comes without looking back at things that have happened to me before. It's not easy and I often fail at this, but I'm trying.

I was watching some of the prisoners today, as I sat on the bench on the yard. Some of them seem like they are having the time of their life here... They laugh, they smile, they greet one another with hugs and joy. I don't really get this.

John sat next to me and I told him about my feelings - he told me that he couldn't understand such behaviour either. Then he said something I actually never thought about before: he said that he and I are the innocent people, who fell victims of the justice system, hence we cannot come to terms with the fact that we are here now.

For others, who committed crimes and are very much aware of this - it's a reality. They simply know, that they have been caught and now they have to pay the price for their crimes.

I never looked at this situation this way, but I suppose John is right.

You know C, as I'm lying in my bed now, I wonder if I ever get to let go of the fact, that I was treated so badly by so many people... I assume that it will be easier to let go of all them, who hurt me physically (even the guy who raped me).

But to let go of people who let me down like Donna for example, or those who lied... and eventually the entire "justice system" here in the UK... I don't know. It's so much harder to erase the emotional pain and hurt. A broken tooth can be always removed and quickly forgotten about...

A few days ago I finished a new painting. I drew two elephants and linked a little one with his mama elephant by her tail. I saw a photograph of it in one of the magazines in the library here. The photo was really tiny, so I had to use a lot of imagination to put this together on a bigger paper. But I think it worked. I do like it. I wish you could see it...

In the colours I create, I always lose myself. It's like I open a gate to the world of endless possibilities, where nobody can find me, there is no one there to hurt me and I can be as creative as I want. It's a strange feeling - even for me. Many people keep asking me how I painted some of my paintings and I simply cannot answer them. I am serious! I can't remember. It's like I am in a parallel universe and when I return to this world - my memory is wiped out. Maybe once I am out I will record myself painting - if I should paint again obviously.

How are your days going? I hope they are filled with life, love and laughter. I hope you are always safe and well guarded by your loved ones there. I know absolutely nothing about your health condition anymore, so I can only assume that everything is going well.

I shall end my day now. I'll wash my face and go to sleep. I guess I got used to falling asleep without you in my arms now. I would still do anything just to hold you for a moment again, but I know the reality. Although - in my dreams, I can hold you so close to me and so tight - like there is no tomorrow. Even you can't forbid me from doing this.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian