Letter 89

13 May 2016

Dear C,

Another suicide today.

The prison staff are trying so hard to hide everything from us pretending that nobody knows anything. Obviously they are doing their investigation. Guess what? They even cut telephone lines off, so we wouldn't be able to call anyone outside. Seems like it's a big deal for them this time. And they hate this - not because someone took their own life, but because they have so much paperwork associated with things like that,

I think I knew the person who killed himself. He was in my art classes - very quiet, in his mid 30's. I never spoke to him, he kept himself to himself. He is no longer with us. Apparently he cut his throat.

Thinking about him reminded me of the time when I tried to take my own life. Seems like I was not meant to leave this planet yet. The funny thing is, that in my head it was such a big thing, but in reality - nobody cares. The universe wouldn't even notice.

I sent a short letter to Lucia, hoping she is fine. Haven't heard from her in 2 months now. I must I am surprised she's been keeping in touch with me all this time anyway.

I hear a few of Beyonce's new songs on the radio today. It brought a smile on my face as I was imagining you getting so excited about her new release. You know, I am learning again how to listen to the music the way the artists intended to - I mean the entire album, without cutting any songs I don't like or without changing the order of the songs. I understand that it's their piece of art and they want their audience to hear it as it was meant to. I can imagine how I would feel if I presented my painting to people and they would cut out of it the parts they didn't like.

I jogged yesterday and I did 18 laps around the exercise yard. I wanted to do 20, but I had no more energy left. Still better than nothing. I also had my first weights session wit DJ at the gym today. I managed to push 40kg on a bench press. Not much, but I need to start somewhere.

As I am writing all these words to you I cannot help but wonder: love, what did you do to me? Why did I have to fall in love with you and carry on loving you regardless of the fact that I mean less to you than the dirt under your shoes? Why the feelings in my heart have to terrorise me every single day?

Anyway, I made a new painting yesterday and I am quite happy with the outcome. It's something quite unique - I dotted the blackboard with white acrylic paints. I was playing with it and suddenly I realised I created a shape of a face of some kind.

So I decided to follow what unfolded in front of my eyes and eventually, I painted a face made of stars. Looks good. Very atmospheric. I think I'm gonna call it "Karma". Wish you could see it... You know, once I am out, I would love to paint it again, but on a bigger scale. Time will tell. Who knows, I might never touch any brush again.

I will wrap up here. Look after yourself C.

Forever yours,

Sebastian