Letter 86

5 May 2016

Dear C,

I looked over my shoulder and I saw you catching up with me as we were both climbing the hill overlooking the sea. It was a warm, sunny day. The ray of lights shone through the cloudy sky and the wind was delicately touching our skins. Everything was almost perfect. We kept walking towards the rocky part of the hill as we wanted to rest on the bench that we spotted.

As we got there you asked me to give you some water from my bag. The moment you took it from me, you pushed me off the cliff. I started to fall so rapidly while trying to grab falling rocks with me. I was screaming so loud that my own scream woke me up.

The moment I realized what was going on and that it was just a dream I threw up on the floor.

So this is how I started my day today. I hope yours was better.

I feel a bit sorry for my next-door neighbour as I often scream at night, but he seems to be cool about it. He is in his own world. A nice guy actually.

Steve and Andy quickly noticed that something was up with me and when I told them about this dream they both said that I have to move on. That I cannot live in the past anymore. Well, easy said than done. I wish I could just press the "delete" button in my head and make you disappear forever. But I can't.

Today I had to pack all of my belongings into 4 boxes I was given, so they could check if I didn't have too many things in my cell. Apparently everybody has to go through this. It wasn't pleasant - everything had to be removed and fit into those boxes. Luckily it's behind me now. I spent the afternoon putting everything back on my cell - the way I had it before.

During the morning walk on the yard, I met someone who allegedly killed 4 other men in London. He was meeting them on this app Grindr, had sex with them and then killed them after. I never knew who he was until Dave told me - as he saw us talking. And the reason I spoke to him was his interest in the weight loss programme. Someone must have told him that I was doing it and I was doing well. I gave him suggestions on how to apply for it and how to sustain a strong will during the days when you want to give up. He seemed a bit creepy but 80% of the population here looks creepy to me. Anyway, I always wonder how Dave knew so much about him... We have no newspapers here, no internet, no phones. Maybe the guards spilled the beans? I don't know.

I have been painting a lot recently, which makes me worried - my art supplies are going down way too fast and I have no money to replace my brushes and paints.

I painted some abstract again - I was experimenting with colours and texture there and when I looked back at it I realized that it looked a bit like a peacock's tail.

I like it. It can be anything to anyone - but to me, it looks a bit like the tail of this beautiful bird.

You know, as I'm laying here on my bed now thinking about so many things, I think I am slowly realizing how much you must be hating me now. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me all this during my dreams - like the one from last night...? The problem is that my stupid heart doesn't want to accept it.

I received 4 short emails from you since I have been here and in none of them, you have ever asked me if I was at least ok. In none of them, you have showed me any sympathy or even slightest bit of care.

It's like all the time we spent together meant absolutely nothing to you.

Sometimes I feel like I was just another guy in your life. Nothing wrong with this I suppose. I just wish I never thought of you as the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Ok, I'm gonna finish with this now. Otherwise, you will be pushing me off the cliffs again tonight.

I hope you are doing just fine out there. Look after yourself. Be always safe.

Forever yours,

Sebastian