Letter 85

4 May 2016

Dear C,

Just as I am trying to re-build my mental stability again - it all has gone down the drain today.

I received an email from Lisa. I was surprised to hear from her, but funnily enough, I was thinking about this woman the other day hoping she was doing alright. And even though I might have been harsh towards her in my thoughts lately - I still care for her.

Jay (her Nigerian boyfriend) broke up with her so she's feeling heartbroken and I'm feeling for her. I wish I could give her a big hug. On top of this, her mum is not doing great - healthwise. I hope Lisa will go through all this shit without too much damage done. I wish I could be there for her now. But I can't.

She has also mentioned your name in this email. She said she had met with you, which came to me as a huge surprise! She said that you were very cold towards her and treated her like an uninvited guest in the house. She advised me that I should definitely move on from you as you were definitely moving on from me. I must say it broke me completely.

Yes, I know where I'm standing. But seeing this written on a piece of paper is tough. And when I thought I was doing a bit better here - it all came down on me like a crashing wave. Everything I was trying to do in order to survive all this shit has become totally unimportant.

I think it only goes to show how weak I still am. All the things I have been doing to distract myself from having a broken heart - art, gym - turned out to be good for nothing.

Andy and Steve came to comfort me a bit. They both told me not to keep things to myself and to talk to them. I am not really good at this.

I don't know how to ask for help. All of my life I have been "the helper" so I'm not used to asking for help for myself. Throughout my life, I've experienced some kind of unbalanced "give" and "take", so my instinct is usually telling me: "I'll have to figure it out on my own". My self-reliance is all I've ever known.

Steve was really good to me though - I was a bit surprised that he had it in him - he is only 21 years old after all. Andy was great too. He even said he would contact you once he was out. I don't really think he meant this, but it was still nice of him to say it at least.

I am writing this letter with a bleeding heart and my writing might be all over the place here.

How much pain a heart can take? My body moves, it goes where I will, but my heart stays still.

It got stuck in the palm of your hand so you can squeeze it tight and watch it bleed.

When we got locked up this afternoon I fell into terribly overwhelming despair. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew that if I'd had some pills in my cell I would have taken them. But I didn't have any so instead, I grabbed a paintbrush and painted this abstract thing.

And I know there are millions of people suffering heartbreaks every day, I'm not the only one. But it doesn't make this pain any lesser for me. I never felt anything like this in my life before. I never knew that heartbreak could manifest itself as physical pain in my chest - where the heart is...

Anyway, I will try to sleep now C. Maybe there, in my dreams I will get to be with you. We could be like two beautiful birds flying over the snowy mountains. What a sight would that be! See you up in the air my love. Goodnight.

Forever yours,

Sebastian