Letter 76

10 April 2016

Dear C,

I wasn't going to write to you today, but I need to let go off my feelings somehow.

Lucia came to see me yesterday. When I walked into the visiting hall she was sitting there already waiting for me. The moment she saw me she started to cry. It broke my heart. I was trying so fucking hard not to burst in tears but I couldn't help it.

It was so, so, so good to see her again. We talked about so many things, people we know. We talked about work and how everybody reacted to the news When I was taken away. It was truly heartbreaking. I am still overwhelmed by the amount of support I got from everybody. Well almost everybody. Malcolm is a dick (yes I will name them). His balls are smaller than tic tacks. He is a proper coward hiding behind his desk, so I never expected to get any support from him. His little minions like Jo, Lauren, Adele, Claire from HR and Bastien (just to name a few) are too scared to even ask if I was ok. Waste of air. So caught up in the world of no emotions. But let it be. I am pleased I will never have to deal with them again. I wish them well though. At the moment I feel nothing, but pure relief they will become some kind of foggy past for me one day soon. A bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I also asked about you. I was terrified to do so because confirming your rejection was going to break me again. But now I'm glad I asked. Lucia told me you were doing much better now. Sometimes you get weak, but that's normal. During our chat, when I mentioned your name I cried, but I stopped caring about it. I guess Lucia didn't mind it either. A part of me thought I must have looked stupid talking, crying and eating Mars bar at the same time. So Lucia, if you ever get to read this - I am sorry for melting in front of you. And thank you for the food you bought me!

Lucia told me about Max, her son and that he is growing strong and the sight of his illness is fading away. If I believed in God - I'd say now: "Thanks, God!"

Lucia and I decided that I would call her on her mobile tomorrow at 4 pm so she could put me on the speaker and I could say hello to the people from the office. I am already super excited about it.

I regret you and I don't communicate anymore... We used to be so good at talking with each other. With so much love and care.in our voices. The world disappeared every time we were together.

Today I lay in the dusty memories of the world we built together and the world that crumbled down.

Lucia left and I had to put up on a brave face and return to my cell. I fell asleep with my head on the shirt I wore during the visit. I could still smell Lucia's perfumes on it and it made me feel like I was home.

Forever yours,

Sebastian