Letter 63

3 March 2016

Dear C,

So Beyonce and I are now friends. That's according to the dream I had last night.

It was so surreal yet I felt like I have known this woman all my life.

Not only this - her husband Jay-Z was there too. And their daughter. One big happy family.

And you know that I can't stand Jay-Z!

They all came to visit me in Poland in my grandma's house. We sat in the kitchen drinking tea (I don't even like tea!). Jay-Z was playing with his daughter and Beyonce and I talked.

She told me that she was in a process of recording her new album and it should be released soon. I told her that you were her massive fan and she smiled. Then I asked her to record a song where she would sing your name. She looked at me like I was crazy, but I kept saying how much it would mean to me and that you have been fighting cancer. I wasn't going to let go!

She wasn't keen on it.

So I kept pulling all the cards: cancer, loneliness, injustice, broken hearts...

And finally she said she would. Not only this: I made her swear she would otherwise she would lose you as a fan! The deal was sealed! I was well pleased. We took selfies together and I said that I would text you to show you whom I was with. She then stopped me and said it's not right. She reminded me I was no longer your boyfriend and that I needed to move on. She almost got angry and said that I would have to let go off the past.

Even Jay-Z agreed, but I gave him the look of "has anybody asked for your opinion?"

Then we all were in a park. Everything was very green. But weird green, kind of Matrix green. Then I woke up. How crazy was that dream? But I am glad I told Jay-Z to piss off lol.

Since I've been going to gym, I have lost 10kg now! I cannot believe it myself. I should be getting my second certificate soon.

I got an email from Kasia, she would be coming to visit me for the last time on 11th March. She is moving back to Poland and I doubt she would come to see me from there.

Anyway I am happy she found job in Cracow and that she will be closer to her family. I still wish that you two could bury the hatchet one day. You and her are the closest people to my heart here and you have become enemies. And I don't mind myself - you can hate me as much as you want - I just want you two to be civil with each other again. This world has enough hatred everywhere, we don't need one more.

I spoke to Geoff about your visit here and he told me to see you with an open mind. His boyfriend (or ex boyfriend at the moment) comes to visit him on regular basis (he also lives in London, not far from you actually). Geoff is always so happy before the visit and it keeps him going here.I am happy for both of them. Robert (his bf) told Geoff that they should get back together once Geoff is out and deported back to America. I hope it will all work out nicely for them!

I told Geoff you didn't care about me anymore and that you even once told me you couldn't care whether I was dead or alive.

I got really upset when I spoke these words, Geoff saw that and held my arm asking to be strong. So I was. It was hard, but I was. Then Geoff told me that maybe you simply did not deserve someone like me. He reminded me I was there for you when you needed me most and when tables turned I was sitting at this table on my own.

I wish I could see it the way he does. I wish I could believe in goodness and love again. That one day I could trust someone and have hope for the future.

At the moment my whole body and heart are covered with scars and I don't think I would be able to allow anybody to see me with all these scars. Simply because I would be too scared that they would leave more scars. More damage. More pain.

Forever yours,

Sebastian