Letter 61

23 February 2106

Dear C,

Today I have received documents back with your visit being registered. It took them 4 days to do so - not that long when it comes to prison.

I will write to you with all the info. It's weird - I haven't sent you any letter for almost 5 months now, yet I have written more than 50. This is gonna be a short letter. I will attach all the papers and I will ask you why do you really want to visit me. My brain is trying to protect me from harm and I don't want more meltdowns. I am slowly adjusting to the fact that my life goes on without you in it. Your visit request have really confused me. One day you will remember me and how much I loved you and maybe you will hate the fact that you let me go.

Sometimes I wonder how can anyone forget the day their heart was once broken? The funny thing about a broken heart is that it’s not fatal. Though you wish in vain that it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done.

Anyway, I showed this letter to a guy called James. He comes and plays cards with us. He told me it was a very good letter and that he could read between lines how much I cared for you still.

James is a very smart guy or plays one very well. He is on a re-call at the moment, meaning he left prison and during his licence period he must have broken some rules and was locked up again. How fucked up is this?

If I am deported I will have no licence.

James will have a court hearing next Tuesday. I hope it will go well for him. I shall try to save a little prayer to whoever is out there listening and watching. No harm trying.

I went to the gym today and I lost 2.6kg in one week. In total I lost over 10kg already. Not bad at all. I feel also healthier. Strange, considering I am in prison.

I have been painting a lot in my cell. It saves me. My paint brushes are like the most delicious cigarettes that make you high.

The colours I create are like the best drugs that make you forget the whole world. The other day I painted a piece of paper with beautiful blue shades and wrote that I dropped a tear in the ocean and that I will stop loving you once I find it. And you know what was weird about it? That I actually didn't picture you that much when I was painting this.

This afternoon all the activities were cancelled down to some gas leak on wing 7. Everyone was evacuated from there and all the other wings were locked up. We got no food at all which I don't care much for anyway. Other guys were extremely upset and there was a lot of angry noise coming out of their cells. Felt like in a zoo.

When they were making the noise, I was listening to some chill out music this evening. I closed my eyes and I travelled. I saw empty beaches, green forests and the snow on top of the mountains.

I saw colorful umbrellas and yellow cabs. I went up above the clouds and saw the endless blues of the sky. I saw this planet from a far distance and then I was surrender by light.

What lies ahead of me? How many of us ask the same question? Fate never sends emails with instructions. Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Maybe one day I will get to be served something so enjoyable and tasty. Maybe one day.

Forever yours,

Sebastian