Letter 55

28 January 2016

Dear C,

How are you doing? I hope it's all coming better now. I wonder if the hair on your head started to grow? I still remember how you put your knee in front of the iPad's camera when we were chatting to my mum, so she would think it was your bold head. It brings a smile to my face.

Did you start to go out yet? It must be getting really boring for you just to stay at home. Or is it still too early and you are too weak to go out?

Tomorrow will mark half a year since I've been in prison and I don't know much about your health anymore.

It makes me worry sick most of the time. It's been also half a year since I saw you last. Who would have thought that we would come to this? This half a year feels like eternity without you though.

Last night I had another nightmare. I saw the guy who raped me. And I was re-living the whole thing again. But the worst part of this nightmare was that you were there too. You stood there in that cell and laughed at me. When the guy finished I looked at you but you just left me there.

Then I woke up.

I couldn't stop crying in my pillow. I was so heartbroken and hopeless. And I was so disappointed in myself that I cried. I promised myself I wouldn't cry again over you. But there you go. On top of everything I was just terrified.

I think that you standing there in my dream was the reflection of your words, when you told me on the phone you couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. That hurt so bad, words cannot express it. I hope you will never know, how does it feel. I hope no one whom you might truly love one day will never say anything like that to you.

Yesterday I wanted to call my mum, but I couldn't. I have been so shaky all day and I'm sure I would just burst in tears if I heard her voice. So I just laid on my bed and cried to myself.

Today I started the new course - music production. It was horrible. The teacher doesn't give a shit about anything and his orderly Brian was simply too busy to help everybody. And I just couldn't focus on anything, I was still fragile after that dream from the night before.

This music production course should be good, many people praise it, but it looks very disorganized. The software we use is called Cubase and it looks really complicated.

It's a professional tool that major producers and artists use. I'm sure you cannot embrace it within 60 hrs course. But what else do I have to do? I'll give it a go of course.

I'm gonna wrap up here, I feel really tired - I guess from that nightmare from last night. I will try to sleep now and hope for no dreams at all.

Forever yours,

Sebastian