Letter 51

11 January 2016

Dear C,

Wow... David Bowie died. I know it's random, but he was a kind of a legend.

I was never a big fan, but I know of his music. "China girl" is a song I remember from my childhood.

You know I still cannot listen to the music. Most of the songs on the radio remind me of the past. It's something I thought it would never happen - after all music is my remedy for all the sorrows. But not anymore. I hope it will pass one day.

Yesterday someone was playing songs of Phil Collins out loud from his cell - it reminded me how much I used to like this guy.

Been to the gym this morning, it was a pure slaughterhouse. We did some crazy exercises - bike spinning combining with some other cardio exercises. I thought I would die. Seriously. It was so extreme that one guy nearly fainted. The instructor who was running the show is a real twat. You can tell how much he hates being here and working with us. Other instructors are really cool, but him.

My body is still in the shock - I have never done any exercises like that in my entire life. But I suppose this is the key - no sweat no effects. I only hope I will last.

DJ has been trying to convince me to start jogging with him when it gets warmer, but I am not sure about it. Me running around the prison yard...? There is one guy called Graham, who just runs all the time. All the time. He is like a machine. I would never, in million years, run like him.

You know it's only January of 2016 and I feel like I have been inside this prison forever. I do not know how others can cope. Some people have been here for years. Have they been institutionalized? Is it like they don't know otherwise? This is their life now? I cannot imagine being like that. Each day here is filled with misery. And I don't know how to handle it.

David comes to visit me quite often. He has been trying to convince me to open my heart to God. He says that the bible is the book of wisdom and should help me go through difficult times. That I should give my life to Jesus.

What a pile of bullocks. Isn't God a sadistic creature who enjoys himself watching us all suffer on this sick planet? I bet each time someone suffers God smiles.

And I am supposed to open up my heart to someone like this? No, thank you. I bet he loved that moment when you found out about your cancer and watched you when your world collapsed. I bet he laughed out loud.

David however, strongly believes in God. He even told me that he felt the power of some holy spirit and he felt on the floor. He said it felt like a thunder stroke him. LOL. That is all I can say, but I am glad that this helps him.

I suppose that this is what you call "faith". Oh well, good on him.

There was a fight on the yard yesterday. Some guys started to fight over some noodles. I still cannot digest such behavior. It's a bloody pack of noodles...! I gave one pack to DJ the other day as he was hungry and I didn't want anything for it. It's just noodles.

It's after 1 in the morning now and I cannot sleep, that's why I am writing to you. Luckily I don't have gym in the morning tomorrow, just art class.

Art is going well. I am soon finishing the second level and that's it. I have created so many of my magic trees. People do like them a lot. I wonder if you liked them too - if you ever got a chance to see my efforts.

I love art. I love the process of creation. I love how colours blend with one another. I love the warm colours like browns, reds, yellows and pinks. And purple has become one of my favourite colour too now.

One day I'm gonna try to paint something else. Maybe animals. Once I order some paints and brushes, so I can do it in my cell here.

How are you doing? How are you feeling? I hope you're making some progress. I am often thinking of you being fully recovered in the near future. I am 100% sure you will be okay one day. One day soon.

So God, if you please - stop laughing and make sure C gets better.

Forever yours,

Sebastian