Letter 107

27 July 2016

Dear C,

I am so tired now. It's almost 10 PM now and my eyes are closing, but I decided to just write a few words to you - it's been now a week since I wrote to you last.

I had a quite busy day today. First, I had two gym sessions from 8 AM to 11.30 AM (weight loss program then cardio session). Gym instructor gave us some really difficult set of exercises to do today.

He actually gave us a choice: we could do a free session or do his exercises. 4 guys chose a free session so they could do whatever they wanted to and the 4 of us chose to do the exercises with him. It was fire! So hard, but I did it! My t-shirt was soaking wet. Then on my free cardio session, I did bike spinning with Terry. The other gym instructor came to us to have a little chat - it was so nice. I felt like a human being again and not a prisoner. He was really shocked when I told him I had lost almost 50 kg since I got to prison. He advised me not to overdo it and to always listen to my body.

At the gym today they played a song that made me teary a bit. It was called "A Thousand Years". Remember, how this song followed us everywhere we went? We always smiled when it was on. I wonder how long will I associate certain songs with you. Or things, pictures and even smells... Will I always do that?

My face hurt badly today. Especially the left side. It's the place where I lost my teeth after I was bitten in the previous prison. I think the guy who jumped on my face with his heavy boots on must have done some proper damage to my jaws. Not only that I lost 3 teeth, but my gums hurt badly every now and then. Maybe I will have to get it checked when I am a free man again.

Today, I decided to read a little bit of the bible. I only now realized, that the in the new testament part of the bible Jesus is the main figure. Interesting.

I always thought that Jesus was all over the bible. I must admit that it is a definitely easier to read - the new testament than the old one. Although I still love reading the first page of the old testament, when God creates the world. Maybe one day I will understand the meaning of it all.

There is a new guy on my landing. What a nut head! He has been screaming at nights - every night. Not only this. He sings! And let me tell you something - he's not Celine Dion for sure. He also cuts himself, so his blood is everywhere. I must admit that I have become less sensitive to this. It still feels disturbing, but I don't think about it much anymore.

There is another guy here who is continually looking for a fight. And he gets it. Now he is walking with a bruised eye and he seems to be even more aggravated than before. He tried to get my attention a few times shouting some racist slurs towards me, but he got zero response from me. I'm not on his levels.

I miss you C. I still do. I am feeling so lonely here most of the time. I have nobody I could talk to, no one to comfort me. Sometimes I think that I got used to being lonely, but quite often it gets me and I break down.

Doing art is the only thing that helps me to go on somehow. And I know I'm shit at painting, but at least I try. When I grab my brushes and create colours I can almost see and feel that strange light that shines through my colours. I have no idea what that is, but it feels good.

I do slowly realize that I will probably be on my own for the rest of my life and I am learning how to adapt to this. It's not easy at all, but what choice do I really have?

I hope you're doing ok baby. Calling you baby comes so naturally and even though it makes no sense calling you that, I still do.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian