Letter 106

20 July 2016

Dear C,

Happy birthday to my mum today!

She has just turned 60 something! I am sure she feels way younger than her actual age. I called her twice today, first in the morning, but she didn't pick up the phone - so I left my birthday wishes on her voice mail. Then I called up again in the afternoon and she answered. We chatted a bit, I tried hard not to cry.

She has always been there for me and I will always appreciate it. Yes, she can drive me crazy at times, but it's normal I guess. I can't wait to see her again. I realize that she will not be coming to see me here anymore, there is nobody in London who could help her with getting around and coming to visit me here. But it's ok. I'll wait. I wonder if you acknowledged her birthday today... I'm sure you got your Facebook notification about it. My guess is you just ignored it. But I might be wrong. I hope I am.

After all, she treated you like a family member, she always cooked for you your favourite dishes, once, she even gave us the same amount of money each, so we could buy whatever we wanted to. I thought it was extremely generous of her and I realized back then, how much she cared for you. It made me so happy too, you know. I remember how worried she got when we found out about your illness. She cried with me, but she always repeated, that you would be just fine. She kept calling me each day just to check how you were. And if she only could speak a little English I am sure she would have been calling you too. She truly loved and cared for you. And I know she is still worried for you. Yes, she is probably upset that you left me here, but you know what - so am I.

Anyway, today has marked precisely a year since my court trial began. Already a year! It feels like it was a week ago, but sometimes it feels like it was a forever time ago...

It was a horrible experience. Horrible... I still remember how I never wanted to leave the hospital the day before my trial and just to stay with you there. We hugged each other and I wanted to stay like this forever. I remember how you told me that I would be fine. I was so lost, confused and scared. You were my only constant. My only hope for better days. Ok enough of this now.

Today was the hottest day this year so far. 32 degrees! Boiling hot. And guess what? The gym instructor decided to run the circuits outside this morning. In that heat!!! It was absolutely brutal. But also - guess what? I fucking won! I managed to beat 2 of the strongest guys in the group. I also realized how far I have come with my fitness. I have lost around 40kg so far... Someone told me today that I look so different from the way I used to look when I got here. And I feel so much healthier too. My face got way slimmer for sure.

Yesterday DJ finally gave me the tarot cards reading - he kept postponing it for a while. Apparently, the day had to be just right to do so. I had to shuffle cards myself and I had to pick up the first card myself. He said that it represented my past.

It showed the moon between the two towers. I was told that it meant me being stuck in the past. Makes sense I guess. DJ also told me I was stuck between the things I didn't like or want. I thought of my job. I thought of the way I was trying to get fitter, but I was always finding excuses not to exercise. I thought of people from work I couldn't stand - but I had to see them every day pretending I actually liked them. Or even respected them. But I didn't. So I was stuck there too.

The second card I picked represented the presence. Interesting - especially being here now. The card should show the prison bars at least! But it didn't.

There were 7 swords. DJ explained that the swords represent words that keep piercing my heart. Of course! Your words! They still pierce my heart every day. The words you used in those 3 emails you sent me. And even though, I try not to think about them - each night when I'm locked up in my cell - they resurface. It's like they keep waiting for the perfect moment when I am alone so they can hit with the extra strength to destroy my heart even more.

"You are my biggest disappointment..." I remember how this sentence ruined me. When I read it for the first time I felt like my heart caught on fire. It hurt so bad. DJ told me these words represented by the swords cannot be forgotten as I am not letting you go. How the fuck am I supposed to do so? I love you too much!

The third card I picked, showed obviously my future. Scary! For a brief moment, I wanted the card to be death - how exciting it would be to just die and stop feeling anything...?

The card showed a prince standing inside a golden carriage run by a horse. It almost looked like that prince was floating in the air. He also held a sword in his hand. DJ explained to me that it meant a victory over the presence and the hurt I experienced and still experiencing. He also said that my sword would bring to an end all the hurting words and actions. And that a victories future awaits me. But only if I put my words across the right way. Not sure really what it meant though. Does it mean my words I shall speak to you? Or in general? Or is it not about you anymore? Maybe it's about my future artwork business, my book...? I don't know. Or maybe something completely else... But I think it's a good sign - I mean the last card. DJ thank you for doing this for me - if you ever get to read this letter.

His birthday is coming next week so I started working on a card for him and asking some people to sign it. I painted it myself, but the first card looked shit, so it ended up in the bin. The second one looked much better.

Ok my love, let me wrap up here. How are you doing these days? Are you coping well with the heat outside? I hope you're still using that air humidifier we had together? It always helped you breathe better - especially at nights.

I'm missing you much. But I love you even more.

Forever yours,

Sebastian