Letter 103

3 July 2016

Dear C,

For the last 2 nights, I have been having these nightmares of the man who raped me in the previous prison. In these nightmares, he was abusing me again.

Last night I woke up after 3 in the morning covered in sweat. Like I was having high fever or something. I was too afraid to fall asleep again so I just sat on my chair and listened to some music. Today I have been feeling properly tired. I think these nightmares fucked up my body system or whatever it is.

Yesterday I jogged a lot - I managed to do 40 laps (that's around 10 miles). Andy joined me, but he had to give it up after some time. He has had some problems with his ankle and needed to rest. Later on, he showed me a photograph of his two sons, Sam and Ben. So cute! He also got a very emotional card from them. Really touching. I was really pleased Andy could finally get something from his boys, I could tell how much he loves them. It makes my heart happy knowing that they will be all together for Christmas this year. I bet it will be the best Christmas ever.

I can tell Andy has been on a downside recently. I keep trying to cheer him up, even though inside - I am totally broken myself. Anyway, we talked about life and the future. I assured him that he would find himself someone to love. He is quite insecure about his future as he is considering being with a guy. I wish him best and I am 100% sure he will find the right person - whoever that might be.

Today, for the first time, I saw Beyonce's new video for her song "Sorry". You must surely love it! With all that hatred you have towards me now, this song must seem to you like the perfect fit here. Anyway, I wonder how is her brand new album Lemonade... Do you like it? I bet you do.

I recently have discovered a new song by Troye Sivan called "Talk Me Down". I really love it. Makes me cry, especially the video. I wonder if you have heard it yet... Oh baby, you have no idea how much I miss our chats about music. We could talk about it for hours!

Steve came to the gym for the very first time today! I was impressed. He managed to do 30kg on a bench press. I am doing 45kg myself. I hope he will carry on with the gym. I actually kinda trained Steve and John in the gym today - and they both really enjoyed it. Imagine! Me - training others in the gym! A year ago, 60 seconds run to the bus stop had me out of breath for 20 minutes! And now look at me! I cannot believe how I have managed to transform my body and my overall fitness.

I would love you to see me now. I would love us to go to the gym together. To have fun there, to support each other. Imagine us going for spinning classes together for example! Oh babe, just this thought alone makes my heart smile now. I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian