Letter 101

24 June 2016

Dear C,

So it is official now - the UK is leaving the EU. I watched the voting on TV last night and I woke up this morning to the news. Quite shocking, isn't it? Or is it?

Many people here expressed their disappointment. But there are some who are very happy about Brexit. I don't really know what to think and to be honest, I don't really care that much. My only concern is that if you'd like to visit me in Poland one day - would it be hard for you to get a visa...? But wait a minute! Whom am I fooling here? You'll never visit me anywhere. I am just a speck of dirt under your feet. I keep forgetting it.

Ok, ok I'll stop this. I don't want to be bitter here. After all, I am mastering the false state of mind that I am doing just fine.

I met a new guy here who is on my landing in a double cell, his name is Jason. He is a very religious person and plays a lot on his guitar. He came to my cell and out of the blue one day and came out to me as a gay man. He said he had never told anybody about this before and that I was the only one he could trust. How bizarre! I mean I hardly know him! And he knows nothing about me, yet he is saying I am the only one he can trust. He came to visit me in my cell twice already. I just hope that he is not hitting on me in any shape or form! I am not interested in him whatsoever! I know it's silly, but it would be like cheating on you - even though we are not together anymore. God, I'm so naive.

I must admit though, that the thought of you kissing another man makes me sick. And these thoughts sometimes rush into my head, but I always try to dismiss them quickly.

This morning there was another emergency in building number one. Some black guy attacked a white guy and it got so serious, that the white man ended up in the hospital outside of the prison.

Apparently the black guy attacked him with a hand made weapon (a razor blade attached to the toothbrush) and on top of it, he bit his face too. Crazy! I must say that it seems like the violence in this place is getting worse by day.

As a result of this, all morning activities were cancelled and we were all locked up in our cells. I thought I'd paint something but I actually fell asleep. I dreamt of swimming in the sea again. I was there on my own and it felt so, so good. The water was warm and the sky coloured orange. I think it was evening time.

And as I was swimming I saw someone standing on the beach looking at me. I didn't know who it was at first, but I could see him wearing a black Superdry jacket - exactly the same one which I gave to you a few years ago. Then I woke up.

I hate such dreams. It's like you are haunting me each time I close my eyes. You seem to appear there to remind me that my life is in pieces and I no longer deserve to be loved again. By anyone.

Ok, I'm bitter again.

All is just fine Sebastian, just fine.