Letter 8

9 September 2015

Dear C,

I thought I would never write to you again, but I love you too much not to.

I wish I could tell you not to leave me, not to treat me this way, not to hurt me this way - but I can’t.

In all this, I need to remember that your health is the most important. That anything else doesn’t really matter anymore.

Now when I mean so little to you – it will be easier for me to go – if ever someone here decides to abuse or hurt me again. I don’t need to be so fucking desperate to stay alive anymore. It’s almost like this heavyweight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can let go now.

I cannot describe how much it hurts knowing you left me and how much I love and care for you, but I am not going to write about it.

I am still getting strong meds and they make me sleep all the time. I don’t even know whether it’s a day or night, there is no window here. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Sometimes I wake up here thinking I’m at home. I’m not.

I’m very weak and feeling dizzy. I don’t really know what is going to happen to me.

Forever Yours

​Sebastian