Letter 40

12 December 2015

Dear C,

I hope you are ok.

I just had a visit from my mum and Kasia. It was extremely emotional. Extremely.

I managed to keep my shit together. Well, almost.

My mum was crying the moment she saw me, she just couldn’t stop. I was so close to bursting into tears too, but I managed to keep it together. But on the inside – I was broken.

I tried my hardest to turn this visit into something positive, as much as such a visit can be a positive experience… I don’t want her to worry too much when she’s back to Poland in 2 days.

They bought me an egg and cheese sandwich with a diet coke. OMG! It tasted so fucking good! The cheese… Coke was alright, I think I could live without it now. But the cheese…

My mum was so worried about me, but she tried not to ask too many questions. Which is great, so I didn’t have to tell her how much I suffered so far. I don’t think I would be able to lie to her.

The entire visit lasted about 90 minutes, but it seemed like it went within 10 minutes.

Kasia looked great as always and my mum looked good too. Considering her age I must admit she looks good.

I obviously couldn’t help myself and ask about you. I could tell Kasia wasn’t pleased about that. My mum was trying to say only positive things.

She reassured me that you were doing good and things are going well in the hospital. Chemo is now finished and you might have one more cycle if necessary. Bone marrow transplant has been a success and you are looking forward to being home for Christmas.

It was like the most beautiful music to my ears. I smiled and then I started to cry.

I just couldn’t help it. My mum grabbed my hand and she started to cry too. I was trying to say something comforting, but how the hell could I find any comforting words?

I just cried in front of them.

I felt like my heart and my souls were taken from my body and threw into the fire. All the thoughts hit me like a brick: the fact that I am in prison as the innocent human being, that I cannot be with you now when you’re going through all this, that I have been raped and beaten up on many occasions… The fact that eventually, I have lost you and my life I built. That I have lost everything.

It was so hard at that moment...

But I got my shit together for my mum and composed myself. And I managed to divert our conversation into something else.

Mum told me she would come to visit me again in 2016, probably summer time. I am already looking forward to that visit. She also told me that she would send you a parcel with your favourite polish food and sweets. She forgot about your favourite toffee candies, but I reminded her too.

Then the visit came to an end. My hands started to sweat and shake and I just wanted to stay longer with them and then come back home. I didn’t want to go back to my cell. I wanted to be free again.

We said our goodbyes and my mum started to cry again. I told her we would see each other again tomorrow morning (the visit starts at 9.30am). So she stopped.

I have no idea how am I going to comfort her tomorrow when I would have to say a proper goodbye. But that’s tomorrow.

When I got back to my cell, I was in pieces. David came to see if I was ok. I suppose he knew how these visits were, how emotional they could get.

Jose wasn’t himself today, he seemed very distant and down. Once I got myself together I went to see him in his cell (it’s right in front of mine) and tried to talk to him. Eventually, he got better I think.

We even laughed for a bit as he told me he wasn’t able to pronounce the word “strategy”. I told him that I couldn’t pronounce the word “available” when I was at the university. Well, at least we laughed for a bit.

I got a note today that on Tuesday I am seeing UK border agency – they are coming to prison once a month to deal with foreigners when it comes to deportation. Once I know the details I might consider signing the papers. It is breaking my heart thinking that I might have to leave London. It was home.

On the same day in the afternoon, I should have my body MOT done at the gym and I hope they will put me on a list to start attending the weight loss club. This is gonna be interesting.

Ok C, let me finish now. I am mentally drained after today. I wanna take more anti-depressants so I would be ok for tomorrow’s visit again.

I miss you so much.

Forever yours,

Sebastian