Letter 2

3 August 2015

Dear C,

How are you my love? How is your chemo going? I hope you are ok…

Last night I dreamt of being next to you in a hospital, I held your hand.

You smiled at me and told me, that everything would be alright.

When I woke up I couldn’t stop crying. I’m just missing you so fucking much…

I just don’t know what to do without you…

But I know I have to be strong for you.

For us.

Each morning when I wake up, I just cannot believe that I am here…

I just don’t know why we both have to go through all this…?

You are fighting your cancer and I'm being locked up here.

Why do we have to be separated…? How am I going to survive without you for next 3 years…?

I haven’t seen your beautiful face for 5 days now, and it’s been the longest we have ever been apart…

But I want to believe, that we will go through this together, we will win somehow.

Just like our love will.

Life is terrible here...

Someone pushed me off the stairs yesterday and I fell down and landed hard on my back.

It hurts really bad now, but I’m ok.

I wish I could have fought back, but they all stay in groups, so there is no point doing anything.

Plus you know that I don’t know how to fight, so I just got up and walked away.

But if someone was hurting you - oh baby! I would fight till I have no more air in my lungs.

Anyway, when I walked away, they started throwing things at me from a rubbish bin and called me names.

The guards laughed at me too and I think they were calling me names as well – something to do with me being a foreigner.

I can’t remember exactly.

When I came back to my cell, I found a bag of human faeces left on my pillow.

It stank so bad... I could hear people laughing outside my cell - I bet they were waiting for some reaction.

I just took it and threw it into my toilet.

The toilet is still blocked, but I don’t use it – I can’t really eat anything anyway.

I asked guards again if they could send someone to fix it, but they said they were all too busy.

One of them told me to put it in writing, so I did it yesterday.

The smell in my cell is awful baby...

At night I roll 2 pieces of toilet paper and stuck them in my nose - so it is not that overwhelming and I just breathe through my mouth.

I so wanted to go and take a shower outside, after touching that shit in the bag,

but I was too scared they may beat me up again.

I washed after they locked us up - here in my cell, so it's ok.

I haven't showered in 5 days baby... I am too scared to go there.

I just use my small sink here.

Today at 4 pm at the dinner queue, a guy in front of me was stubbed with a home-made weapon: a razor blade melted into a toothbrush.

Someone slashed his face and his arms.

Blood was everywhere. I had it on my clothes too.

He fell on the floor – I think he must have lost his consciousness.

I had to leave the queue… I went back to my cell and threw up.

And you know what?

Someone from the queue shouted to give him my dinner and the dinner of the guy who was attacked…

Can you imagine…?

I was shaking like a leaf, I was terrified. I have never seen anything like this in my whole life.

It's almost 1 am now and I'm a bit calmer - writing to you makes me feel like you are near me.

I know it's stupid, but it helps me baby.

How is mum? And siblings? I hope they are all ok.

I’m sure that Kasia will come to visit you soon and so will Lisa.

I was also thinking, that Kasia could move to our room now? What do you think?

I filled in an application for some workshops and education.

They offer English classes, maths, business venture and art. Maybe English?

I was thinking about art, but I can’t even draw, so I guess it's not a good idea.

Babes, once you feel better, maybe you could come to visit me with Kasia?

But only if you feel better – there is no rush, your health is the most important here.

I’m running out of space on this paper babes, I still have no money to buy anything.

As you can see, I am writing on a piece of wrapping paper.

I found it in the bin yesterday, so I could write to you - I'm sorry about this...

They still haven’t registered your phone number… I cried when I tried to call you and it didn’t go through.

I just miss you so much… I just want to hear your voice again. Just your voice…

Baby, stay strong, be brave out there, please. Do it for me.

I will be writing as often as I can my love.

I love you.

Forever Yours

Sebastian