Letter 16

16 October 2015

Dear C,

How are you doing? How is chemo going? How are you feeling in general?

I can imagine, that by now you must have lost all of your hair…

Lucky you -you have a perfectly shaped skull, so you still look hot – even without your hair!

I would look like Mr. Potato!!!

I met an interesting guy here called David Tant.

He has been in prison since the 70s!!! I mean… my brain cannot even digest that information.

He is now in his early 80s but he is still very energetic though. He sometimes comes to my cell with his coffee.

He seems ok, but truly I am not really sure what he really wants from me.

He comforts me quite a bit, I told him about you and he told me he had never seen anyone grieving so much after love lost.

People avoid him here because he is apparently a “grass” – meaning that he reports everything to the office.

So people don’t trust him and in fact, they hate him. I have nothing against him, he hasn’t done anything wrong to me (yet).

He actually helped me get my clothes sent in here from the previous prison.

When my mum came there and I had been already moved here, she left the box with my private clothes with them and they sent the box to this prison. But here I couldn’t receive them as it’s been 30 days already since I have been locked up.

Anyway, David helped me write a form to a governor and eventually I got my clothes. It feels great to be able to wear my own clothes again…

You know C, my mum packed your belt – by mistake.

She must have thought it was mine.

When I saw it I cried like a baby. I couldn’t stop smelling it – it made me feel closer to you again.

I know it’s silly, but I don’t care.

At night I wrap that belt around my wrist and put my head on it – so it feels like you are lying next to me…

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night panicking as I couldn’t find it. It turned out it slipped between the wall and the mattress.

My art classes are going well.

They have become my escape from the reality here. I dive into the colours and I lose myself in them.

There is something in these colours that makes me feel safe. It’s like I am surrounded by some kind of light.

I don’t know, I don’t really understand this. But it helps. I painted a tree today. My very first finished work.

The ones before are just a collection of unstructured shapes, lines and who knows what else.

This tree is the first artwork that actually has a decent shape and colour mix.

Well, it’s not a typical tree – I used the colours I liked and which were available at that time.

It looks a bit like some kind of a tree from a magic forest…

It’s nothing special, but it gave me real pleasure to work on it.

I wish you could see it one day… It’s nowhere near your amazing artwork, but hey – I’m not an artist baby…

I am going to wrap up here my love.

I love you.

Please look after yourself. For you. For me. I am missing you so much. Your touch, your smile, your voice, your smell…

Forever Yours

Sebastian