Letter 12

24 September 2015

Dear C,

I am in a new prison.

They moved me to a category C establishment. It looks much better than Belmarsh. There are plants and flowers growing all around the yard! Can you believe it? Other prisoners seem to be much calmer too. There are a lot of older guys here, which is a blessing for me I guess. I don’t want violence anymore.

The day the moved me here was Friday, 18th of September. In the morning one of the guards shouted my name through the door and said to pack my shit - as I would be moving. I had 20 minutes to do so. It took me 1 minute to pack. I threw everything into some plastic bag.

It was a very overwhelming feeling to see, that I could fit my whole life into a medium size plastic bag… It reminded me of how little I have left…

The journey to this prison was long – 4 hrs drive in a prison van. They gave us a tiny bottle of mineral water. There were 3 other guys going with me: Geoff, Ibrahim and Peter. They seem decent, I never really spoke to them before, only Geoff a few times.

I have a single cell here, which is much smaller than the one I had in Belmarsh. But guess what? I have my own key to my cell! So I can leave my cell without fearing that someone would walk in and steal my stuff again. The cells are opened all day - from 8 am till 6 pm. They only lock us up for 1 hr during the lunchtime. The guards seem nicer too. I had my induction on my first day. They talked about drugs, violence, equalities… It was nice to actually know that someone cared. Or even pretended to care…

I still cannot believe that I didn’t get to see my mum, when she came to visit me on Tuesday 22nd September. I couldn’t inform Kasia that I was moved. I asked one of the guards on Res 6 to call her and to let her know I was moved, but obviously, no one did…

And what happened? My mum came to London on Monday thinking she would visit me the following day. Her and Kasia came to Belmarsh just to find out I was moved! My mum was devastated and so was I.

She flew all the way from Poland to London to see me and she was unable to…

I spoke to her on the phone while she was still in London – she went to our flat to check on my belongings and to decide with Kasia what they would ship back to Poland… Then you came there and we talked for a while… I cried so hard when I heard your voice again and my mum told me that you cried too…

I cannot believe that you just stopped loving me… Did you? How is it possible? I mean you can’t just stop loving someone just like that, can you?

It’s now 11.38pm and it’s so quiet here. I am living on res 5 (building number 5) on landing number 4 (1st floor).

Ibrahim comes to see me sometimes, but I still sleep most of the day. I am still taking the antidepressants and they make me dizzy. Very dizzy.

I was told that soon I should be getting a job or I would start some education courses.

I miss you. I miss you each time I inhale and exhale. I worry about you all the time – whenever I am conscious.

I just hope that this bloody cancer of yours soon will be just a thing of the past…

I will write soon.

I love you.

Forever Yours

Sebastian